Searching For You

Still searching,

Always searching,

For you in myself,

For myself in you.

I see you then I don’t, I feel you, then I don’t,

And I wonder if I did something wrong,

if you did something wrong.

I wonder if I didn’t do something. Anything.

Plunged into darkness,

alone, I can hear the echoes of my heartbeats

resonate off the walls of the

cage of silence you’ve built me.

Music comes back to me, sorrowful-sweet.

These words haven’t found you yet.

Will they find you? Will they find you in time?

Will I find you?

Will I still find you when you come back?

Will you find me?

I sought you out, in my dark places once,

and I found you, beautifully bent like myself,

but you’re in your dark places,

where no one is allowed to venture.

I won’t find you there, in those labyrinths

which remain shut to the world.

I’m scared you won’t find me when you come back.

If you ever come back.

I’m scared I will never find you again.

My heart, the beggar,

asks why. I know why.

I wish I didn’t know why.

Oblivion would be a blessing.

The beggar will not let me rest,

let me not know,

let me unknow.

I almost wish I didn’t know you,

But I won’t unfeel you, unlove you.

I can but I won’t.

I may lose this part of myself that

I’ve struggled too long to grow.

I return to the silence, mine and yours,

and pray to find you there,

where our heart’s echo will move with us, for us,

when you let me into your labyrinths.


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