Where I Stand

Recently, one of my all-time crushes got engaged. By the time I was learning about this, my feelings for her had evolved and I was pretty comfortable with the idea that we would never be more than just friends. She never directly told me about it and I had to prod here and there to find out. I may understand why; I believe she did not know how I would react to this news, leading to her hesitation (“Meh” was my reaction to her reluctance, “Congratulations! I’m so happy for you!” was my reaction at her engagement). Nimemfurahikia tele. This information was still liberating.There is a freedom that comes from knowing where you stand.

One of the characters in one of the books I am reading says, and I paraphrase, “Waiting for nothing is what kills a man.” It is similar to taking a grueling exam and knowing in your heart that you have failed. You will have to retake the exam but just knowing this, being sure about your fate, takes an untold weight off your shoulders, allowing you to focus your energies on doing better next time, or on pursuing alternatives. It is also just like re-engaging with an old flame lost. There is nothing wrong you can say or do because you cannot muck it up any more than you already have. This gives you the freedom to be completely honest and authentic. I find myself at this interesting point in my life, a point where in some ways I cannot screw up any more than I already have.



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