Just Fine

Okay, alright, fine, just fine, in the silence, in the self-imposed nothingness, in inhabiting this skull-sized universe and exploring all its corners, dissecting all that lies therein, traversing the deserts of my mind and learning to love the barrenness that often inhabits my heart, with wanting to get hurt so that I can be reminded that I am still alive, that I am still human and that I can still feel something, anything.

Okay, alright, fine, just fine, with being removed from everyone and far from everything, with edging towards a neurosis, rather, dipping and drowning in the neurosis, with being beset by the grand questions of the meaning of it all, the meaning of us all, whether any of it should make sense because it mostly does not.

Okay, alright, fine, just fine, with not being alright, with feeling sad and lonely and alone and cold and broke and daft, with watching life zip past before I have even tied my shoe laces and dusted the cobwebs off my old self, with having unrelieved longings that are slowly eating me up alive, with not knowing what to do with the love I am given and ending up tarnishing it, with being told no with what is unsaid, with feeling pushed away by the same arms that once could never tire of our embrace.

Okay, alright, fine, just fine, with being a stereotype: the depressed and brooding writer, the cynical, impatient and righteous magnificent observer of the middling masses with their mundane middle-class problems of work and school and relationships and where the next gig will be, of “how we should rock Nax-Vegas this weekend” and how “I can’t find the wedding dress I’m looking for… LOL!”, with being at once envious and wishing for what they have but feeling inexplicably removed from their simple world.

Okay, alright, fine, just fine, with having a poor grasp of irony, with the all-too-late realization that I am that which I ridicule and scoff at, that I am part of that mundane middle class and wanting to strike out every word on every one of my pages, with the epiphanic discovery that I am full of contradictions and hypocrisies, that double-standards are often a way of life for me, that sometimes I do not do as I say nor say as I do and that I lie and cheat and that I am not always an upright person.

Okay, alright, fine, I am just fine.

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