“There’s a blackbird in my garden.” Jordan Rakei.
No matter how much progress I feel I have made in coming to terms with myself and with my reality, with this world that I inhabit and have populated with my choices, I cannot help but feel that there is a heavy melancholy just beneath the surface, beneath the smile and the charm, always threatening to pull me down again. Even if the fluttering has more or less ceased, I fell that there is a quiet, a stillness, not borne of peace, but out of turmoil. Something dark and perhaps dangerous is biding its time. The blackbird, patiently watching, waiting, to fly me again to the depths I am working to climb out of.
“I’ve hit rock bottom. The funny thing is you spend your life circling the bottom, fooling yourself that you are not actually circling the bottom, clinging to those parts of your existence you think you need to survive but are in fact the very reason you are circling the bottom.” Greg Norbert, House of Lies.
This is the fear, is it not? That you may come to believe you need to be in the depths, in the darkness, to live, addicted to the struggles, to the sweet piercing pain, because you do not know anything else. You get so accustomed to things being just the way they are, that normal takes on a new meaning. Sick becomes normal, sad becomes normal. And it is sweet, the pain. It is familiar, warm and comforting. Somewhat the way a bad parent is a parent nonetheless; loved and, in their own macabre way, loving.
…circling the bottom… clinging to…
The bird, my bird, wants me to believe that there is no point to anything, that I should have remained in the angst and the anomie, and it almost succeeded. It does have a point, to some degree. Our lives are fleeting. I am not done yet. Life may very well be a lit match in an infinite blackness. If it is, then I am yet to burn, and when I do, set ablaze and consume myself and those around me. As a bright flash, not a withered decayed soul: this is how I am fading away into the nothingness. So, as the blackbird is watching me, I am watching it. As it is grinning at me, I am grinning back. Not today, you mothershutyourmouth.